Some say it’s rich of The Sun to complain about witch hunts, because it’s conducted plenty of them itself, but that’s really not fair - The Sun has never once conducted a witch hunt against actual witches. I mean, OK, it has picked on one or two other groups like:

Social workers, women in burkas, left-wingers, suburban swingers, binge-drinkers, forward thinkers, gypsies, shirkers, public sector workers, underage mums, overage mums, spongers who sit around twiddling their thumbs, anyone who has had a fight, anyone with cellulite, looters, saggy hooters, feminists, Leninists, Satanists who take the piss, so-called expert boffins, the escorts who let Frank Bough in, anyone caught cheating, Angus Deayton, the England squad, the goalie’s hands, the manager, the Hillsborough fans, speed cameras, reckless drivers, snotty jobsworth, feckless skivers, trendy vicars wearing knickers, lezzers, benders, the cast of EastEnders, Leslie Gratham, foreigners who can’t sing our national anthem, the French, the Portuguese, the Croats, the MEPs, Argentina, Polish cleaners, anyone who lives in Spain or starts a human rights campaign, geeks, freaks, crackers, hackers, killjoys, pillocks, Tory boys, Kinnocks, moaners, miners, former men with new vaginas, the local hoody, Jade Goody, jailbirds, nerds, troubled songbirds, long words and cheating turds on disability benefits who don’t seem quite disabled enough for their liking.

And Chris Jefferies, Russell Harty, members of the Green party, anyone who says recycle, wayward superstar George Michael, Channel 4, ITV, Channel Five, the BBC, overeaters, asylum seekers (especially if they snuck into Britain using any kind of vessel), Katie Waissel, Katie Waissel’s prozzie gran, Iran, Emperor Hirohito of Japan, zealous coppers, wife-swappers, bureaucrats, Eurocrats, non-existent feral cats, an innocent man called Robert Murat, the cast of The Only Way Is Essex, the Levenson enquiry into media ethics, and the occasional supermodel bitches, but never. ever. witches.